Sexual confidence isn’t something we can just pluck out of thin air, it’s a feeling that needs to be nurtured through self-care. It might seem strange to say, but we don’t necessarily build our sexual confidence in the bedroom. Learning how to be confident in bed comes through our lifestyle choices, our mindset and making the right decisions that empower us to be who we want to be – in the bedroom and beyond…
With insta-famous models flaunting a ‘perfect’ vision of womanhood and unrealistic sexual expectations from porn, we can’t be blamed for sometimes feeling a pressure to ‘keep up’ and do whatever it takes to please our partners. Sexual confidence is about forgetting this. Forgetting about pleasing everyone else and focusing on pleasing yourself. Sounds great, right? But how do you become sexually confident?
Most of us have probably had those moments where we felt less confident in the bedroom, whether it’s wondering if we’re ‘good in bed’ (whatever that means!), to wincing when our partner to puts their hands on those ‘jiggly bits’ we’re self-conscious about, or turning the lights down the second our clothes come off. It’s a hard habit to break but it is possible. After all, sex is about pleasure, there shouldn’t be any negative feelings towards it. It’s about discovering that electric connection and experiencing out-of-this-world feelings.
Start by identifying what it is that’s sapping your confidence. Maybe it’s your physical appearance (trust us – even those catwalk models you think you want to look like have cellulite), or perhaps you feel intimidated sexually – for example, if he’s told you about the number of partners he’s previously had and you’re worried about matching up. The human brain is a complicated thing and it needs a lot of care to keep it healthy.
One thing to remember – your partner is having sex with you! Do you think they’re wasting time examining you for stretch marks or thinking ‘I’m having sex! This feels awesome!’? We think you know the answer to that…
We can’t stress this enough, becoming sexually confident in bed is about self-love and looking after yourself. Putting pressure on yourself to be confident in the bedroom in order to please your partner is counterproductive. Sexual confidence is all about feeling comfortable in yourself, there’s no miracle cure. Don’t worry, however, there are some things you can do to help yourself on the road towards sexual confidence.
It’s hard to be confident when you don’t know what you want. Spend some time practicing self-pleasure. If you know what you like in the bedroom when you’re in control, it’ll be easier for you to guide your partner towards the things you know you like. Masturbation shouldn’t be a taboo, it’s an important part of your sexual exploration (plus, you know, it feels great!).
It’s fine to appreciate other women, but there’s a fine line between appreciation and unhealthy comparison. So many of the women you follow on Instagram really don’t look like that in real life, so you’re not even comparing yourself to something that actually exists in reality. Follow accounts you can identify with – there are so many inspirational women out there who look like you do – it’s so much better for your confidence. Take time to celebrate what’s beautiful about you. This can help you to see yourself in a better light and learn to love yourself more.
Worried about how to appear sexier for guys? Forget it, think about what makes you feel sexy! Forget dressing in the lingerie that you think your partner wants to see. Wear something you feel confident and sexy in; this confidence will do so much more to turn your partner on… the lingerie will do the rest.
Any confident and happy person must love themselves. When you look in the mirror, take some time to compliment yourself and consciously stop any negativity – talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend. Make sure you’re not the person who makes you unhappy. This general mood will carry itself into the bedroom.
If you feel unhealthy and think you need to hit the gym, do it. If you feel like you need to do some grooming, get it done. Whether you’re right or wrong, sitting back and not doing the things you want to do will only make you feel guilty. Just make sure you’re doing it on your own terms because you want to.
At Ann Summers, we believe that women should be able to talk freely about their desires in the bedroom without the fear of judgement. Talk to your partner, tell them what you want and ask them what they want. Chat to your friends, compare stories and notes. You’ll soon start to feel liberated and lose some of that doubt in the bedroom that can drain confidence.
Open the door to a world of sexual exploration and try something new. This is even better if both you and your partner are first timers, after all, if you’re both beginners there’s no reason to feel self-conscious (not that there would be anyway). Experiment with your first sex toys, try your hand at tantric sex, or assert some control with bondage.
If we want to take control in the bedroom, as women we must work together. Sharing our knowledge is the best way to blow our partners’ minds and show them we mean business. Brush up on some blow job tips to raise the bar in bed. Your new tricks might encourage him to raise his game the next time he goes down on you.
The key to feeling happier in any aspect of your life lies in becoming comfortable with yourself and taking the time to practice this daily. Learn some sexual confidence affirmations that you can repeat to yourself when you’re struggling to get past your self-doubt. For example, think about how you’re happy with the pleasure that your body can give you, rather than concentrating on any negative thoughts about how it looks.
The Pleasure Positivity Project is about women standing up and taking control of their sexuality. It’s about feeling free to say what you want and to go get it, without the fear of being judged. We want to create a place where women everywhere are provided a platform to be openly sexual and confident.
Most of all, remember that YOU are the key to your sexual confidence. It might not come overnight, but it will come. And when it does… so will you!
Sexual confidence is difficult thing to measure. One day we might feel like a goddess and the other days not so much.
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