Woman in bed with an upset look

I’ve never had an orgasm!

When we gathered your questions on sex, we wanted to get you the best answers. So we teamed up with qualified Sex and Relationship Therapist, Jodie Slee, to reply to your top orgasm questions…

“I’ve never been able to orgasm even with vibrators and it’s ruining my relationship. Any tips?”

“I’ve never orgasmed from sex or a dildo. Should I try a vibrator?”

Jodie Says:

“There are so many factors that can affect someone’s ability to orgasm – physical and psychological. If you’ve never had an orgasm before, it doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t or that there’s something wrong with you.

“Firstly, give yourself a good chance – explore yourself to find the right techniques, positions, toys and amount of time needed to relax and enjoy it. Our beginners guide to female masturbation contains lots of tips.

“If you’re not sure whether you’ve had an orgasm or not, you might need to understand more about them. They don’t necessarily look or sound like they do in porn – they don’t tend to happen within 30 seconds, without clitoral stimulation, or from penetration alone, and don’t have to involve screaming… and they don’t always involve ejaculation for women. So you might have had one and not realised!

An orgasm is defined as having rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvic region, and there are actually eight types of orgasm as you can read about in our what is an orgasm guide. Most types require clitoral stimulation (so only using a dildo won’t give you that), but there are lots of different ways to do this and we all have our own preferences. Also, most women have what I call a ‘tipping point’, meaning that you can get almost all the way to orgasm but then need that something extra to get you to the point of climax – such as nipple stimulation for example.

“If you think you’ve had an orgasm but it wasn’t that intense, or you’d like it to be more intense, kegel (also known as pelvic floor) exercises are worth investigating, as stronger kegel muscles can lead to much stronger orgasms. Jiggle balls or love eggs can also be used to exercise these muscles.

“And, if you feel sure that you’ve:

  • given yourself the chance to relax and explore your own body
  • tried different techniques and positions to stimulate your erogenous zones, especially your clitoris, using toys to help with this if you wish
  • tried kegel exercises or love eggs to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles
  • had enough foreplay with your partner to give yourself a better chance to orgasm during sex

...and you haven’t been able to orgasm, then a sex therapist or a GP should be able to help you. It might be that you need more individual guidance, or that medication is affecting the ability to orgasm. Talk to your doctor about your medication if you think it’s an issue.

“It’s worth reiterating that orgasms are not the ‘be all and end all’ of satisfying sex – the most important thing is to enjoy what you’re doing. An orgasm can be a wonderful addition but don’t put so much pressure on yourself to climax that you end up not enjoying the sex itself!”